6 Directors We’d Love to See Get Fired From a ‘Star Wars’ Movie

A couple days ago, news broke that Colin Trevorrow of Jurassic World fame will no longer be directing Star Wars Episode IX. Much like literally every other time in history somebody in Hollywood is fired, the PR spin calls it a “mutual decision” and says it’s due to “creative differences”. Considering the film is still only in scripting/development stages it’s not the craziest thing to see the director replaced. What makes it alarming is that this is the FOURTH time LucasFilm president and super-producer Kathleen Kennedy has removed a director from a project in her still short tenure as Star Wars boss. With Rogue One, which was ultimately quite successful, Kennedy forced director Gareth Edwards to take a backseat during re-shoots and post, bringing in Bourne veteran Tony Gilroy to spearhead the film’s completion. Josh Trank couldn’t even get his standalone story off the ground, and just this year Kennedy fired Phil Lord & Chris Miller off of the upcoming Han Solo movie IN THE MIDDLE OF SHOOTING, replacing them with the experienced and competent but often bland Ron Howard. Something is clearly up at LucasFilm. Kennedy is the one in charge and if she sees things differing from her vision, she’s quick to make a move.

Our team -Zak, and Zak after five expired Coors Lights- thought it’d be interesting to put together a short list of directors we’d like to see get hired and then fired by Kennedy. 

Also, I would never actually root for someone to lose their job. This is for fun. 

Let’s begin with…

George Lucas

Much to the chagrin of the goddamn nerds who continue to push the awful myth that the prequels were anything other than crap, George Lucas has had no involvement in Star Wars since he sold his company to Disney. I would love to see Lucas brought back into the fold, only to be let go after the first draft of his script dedicates its entire third act to regulations in the scrap metal industry on Jakku.

Also, Lucas and Kennedy (and Steven Spielberg, and Kennedy’s husband fellow super-producer Frank Marshall) have all been close friends for decades. I’m a huge fan of personal relationships being destroyed by professional rifts, personally. 

Patty Jenkins

Jenkins is fresh off the wildly successful Wonder Woman, a film that champions strong ladies in an industry that is still run by a staggering number of old men. What’s lame about that is, journalists and fans are now talking about Jenkins like she’s the only female filmmaker. Any time there’s a job opening, her name is brought up as the progressive choice. Like, really? Patty has already “made it”, folks. So have Kathryn Bigelow and Ava DuVernay. If those are the only three female names you can conjure up when fan-hiring a female director, you’re part of the problem. Studios should be trying to balance the scales by finding the next Jenkins.

So I’d love to see Jenkins hired but then replaced by another filmmaker on the cusp of the superstardom Jenkins has already achieved, like Susanne Bier or or Dee Rees or Michelle MacLaren (who was actually originally hired for Wonder Woman.)

Quentin Tarantino

Here’s a hypothetical…Kennedy hires the lauded Tarantino as an unexpected coupe. Fans everywhere are excited. We all imagine the insanely talented Star Wars cast reading Tarantino dialogue. But when the script is finalized, Tarantino has Finn saying the n-word every other line and cast Samuel L. Jackson as his father. Can you imagine someone telling Finn he needs to go back to Jakku and him screaming, “N—-, what?”. Would that be too controversial for a Disney-backed franchise film? Would Tarantino be fired on the spot? Would Spike Lee emerge from thin air to remind everyone that Django Unchained was both bad and extremely problematic (which he’s right about, btw)?

Christopher Nolan

“We’re going to shoot this film on both IMAX and 65mm film stock. Actually, we’re going to invent a new film stock, like 95mm or something. Then, we’re going to build an actual working, flying Milenium Falcon. NASA will help with the costs. Then, we’re going to write a nonlinear script that closes by pondering if the entire trilogy was just a dream. Then, we’re going to cast Cillian Murphy as Kylo Ren, and have Tom Hardy in there somewhere, and maybe Michael Caine. Also, fuck Netflix. Did I mention that? Then, we’re going to enlist actual astronauts to-”

“Chris, get the fuck out of my office.”

Woody Allen

I lied earlier when I said I’d never root for someone to actually get fired. I hope Woody Allen gets fired from something. Fuck Woody Allen. Maybe getting fired from such a high profile film would make everyone realize he’s really just a rapey pedophile whose works have aged poorly for everyone who isn’t a Brooklyn-based posh fuck who subscribes to The New Yorker and never reads it but makes sure to bring it everywhere with them and have its logo hang out their Patagonia laptop case yet they couldn’t tell you who Junot Díaz is despite having the last 5 NYer issues on the over-priced minimalist coffee table in their Scandinavian-influenced apartment that smells like an odd mixture of cat urine and bush weed that they refuse to tidy up because the filth makes them feel like real Brooklynites and not the ugly mustache-having fucks guilty of gentrification that they actually are. You know, the types who’d actually be excited for a new Woody Allen movie.

Fuck Woody Allen.

Clint Eastwood

Clint works so damn fast, often developing and shooting and editing an entire acclaimed film in the span of six months, that Kennedy might even get the chance to fire him. Kennedy would show up with some script revisions only to find Clint already made the whole damn movie. 

The Life of Pablo (Sandoval)

It’s really stupid to idolize athletes and expect them to be role models for the youth. Like the rest of us, they’re deplorable human beings with selfish aspirations and many intrinsic character flaws. They just happens to be good at a particular sport. They’re just going through the motions, pretending to care, and waiting to die alone. Charles Barkley said it best, “I get paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court, not be a role model.” The notion that it’s part of an athlete’s job to position him or herself as an upright, admirable person in the public eye so to provide inspiration for the children is a dumb fairy-tale concept. For real, what world do you live in? Life is a $14.99 buffet with free Pepsi refills whose clientele like Reagan as a politician and as an actor. Just like you and me, professional athletes are trying to weasel their way through that buffet line to get the most food before everyone else whether they need/deserve it or not.

Speaking of buffets, there’s a chance you heard about how the Boston Red Sox announced that Pablo Sandoval will NOT be their starting third baseman on opening day. A baseball player being relegated to the bench in favor of a better baseball player? Nothing out of the ordinary; until you consider that Pablo Sandoval signed a fully-guaranteed 5 year/$90 million contract with the Red Sox in November of 2014. At the time, it didn’t appear to be the absolute worst agreement in the history of organized labor. Sandoval was at least a decent player, and if the Sox ever needed more money they could just charge $10.75 for Bud Light instead of $10.25. There’s no salary cap in baseball, so who gives a shit, right?

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Pablo’s first season with the Sox was an unmitigated disaster to an extent rarely seen in human history. I’m talking “directed by Zack Snyder” levels of awful. Pablo, who goes by the nickname “Panda”, had an OPS of just .658 and graded out as the worst defensive third baseman in the majors. On top of that, Pablo took full advantage of the Sox NOT putting a weight clause in his contract (something that was a deal-breaker when the Padres tried to sign him). Pablo ballooned to a reported 300 lbs. He didn’t seem to care about staying in shape or playing baseball. He even got caught liking pictures of girls on the Gram during a game.

In other words, Pablo is the realest, and my personal hero. There’s this false idea that the American Dream is about finding something you’re good at and love doing, then being well compensated for producing to the best of your ability. FALSE. The American Dream is actually about fooling some asshole who’s richer than you into overestimating your abilities, getting him to legally owe you a lot of money, and then collecting paychecks while putting in as little effort as humanly possible. If I signed a piece of paper entitling me to $90 million regardless of the quality of my work I would spend my days eating Cheetos, not licking my fingers adequately, and then getting artificial cheese all over my work computer as I tweet out borderline misogynist memes suggesting that the music of Iggy Azalea holds as much artistic value as the shits I take after winning a bet that I can’t eat $15 worth of Taco Bell in one sitting.

Many athletes would use a down season as motivation to come into camp next year in the best shape of their lives with intents of playing well and proving the talk radio meatheads wrong. But not Pablo, because he’s too real. He came into spring training this year fatter than ever. The Red Sox cannot find a trade partner willing to take on his contract. It’s looking extremely likely that Pablo will make $18 million a year for the next four years to NOT work. That’s Charlie Weis level finessing. You simply have to give credit where credit is due. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

As for the question of whether or not Sandoval served as inspiration for the title of Kanye West’s most recent studio album (The Life of Pablo), my sources could not confirm one way or the other. Most speculation has hinted at it likely being a reference to Pablo Picasso, St. Paul, or Pablo Escobar. Maybe Kanye wasn’t personally inspired by the achievements of Pablo Sandoval. But I sure was. Hell, Sandoval is the 2nd most-inspiring Pablo after Pablo Sanchez in Backyard Baseball.

Fuck it. I haven’t shared my thoughts on TLOP yet so here’s a quick track-by-track look at the album imaging that Pablo Sandoval remixed it.

“Ultralight Beam” or “Ultra Light Cream (Remix)”

Kanye version: We on a Ultra light Beam, we on a Ultra Light Beam / THis is a God dream, this is everythaaang

Sandoval version: I hate that Ultra Light Cream, I hate that Ultra Light Cream / I want heavy cream, in my coffee draaank

“Father Stretch my Hands Pt. 1” OR “Frosting on my Hands Pt. 1 (Remix)”

Kanye version: Now if I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole / And I get bleach on my t-shirt, I’m feel like an asshole

Sandoval version: Now if I hit this bakery, and they’re all out of cheesecake / I won’t care all that much, cuz I’ll just eat a different cake

“Pt. 2”

Kanye version: Woke up this morning, miss you bad / Sorry I ain’t call you back, same problem my father had

Sandoval version: Woke up this morning, had a snack / Two pounds of bacon, hash browns and some Apple Jacks

“Famous”

Kanye version: For all my South Side n****s that know me best / I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / Why? I made that bitch famous.

Sandoval version: For my grocery store n****s that know me best / Give me a pack of bread crumbs and your two biggest breasts / Why? I want that shit deep-fried.

“Feedback”

Kanye version: Pablo bought a Roley and a Rottweiler / Seems like the more fame, I only got wilder

Sandoval version: Pablo always tips the delivery driver / Seems like the more I order, I only get wider

“Highlights”

Kanye version: I bet me and Ray J would be friends, if we ain’t love the same bitch / Yea he mighta hit it first, only problem is I’m rich

Sandoval version: I bet this salad would be bomb, if it were an enchilada / The first phrase I learned in English, was “No I don’t want an ensalada”

“I Miss the Old Kanye” OR “I Miss the Old Menu (Remix)”

Kanye version: I miss the old Kanye, straight from the go Kanye / Chop up the sould Kanye, set on his goals Kanye / I hate the new Kanye, the bad mood Kanye / The always rude Kanye, spaz in the news Kanye

Sandoval version: I miss the old menu, the super-size menu / Sixty-four ounce menu, extra large fries menu / I hate the new menu, the fuckin’ wack menu / Nutrition facts menu, calories from fat menu

“Waves”

Kanye version: Sun don’t shine in the shade (turn it up) / Bird can’t fly in a cage (turn it up!) / Even when somebody go away (turn it up!) / The feelings don’t really go away

Sandoval version: I like a lot of butter on my toast (churn it up!) / Also buttered gravy for my roast (churn it up!) / Paula Deen man I swear she do the most (churn it up!) / Signed for $90 million time to coast

“Wolves”

Kanye version: So cover Nori, in lamb’s wool / We surrounded by, the fuckin’ wolves

Sandoval version: So cover that ham, in honey glaze / My favorite chip, barbeque lay’s

 

Okay that’s all I have today. Enjoy TLOP and pretend to enjoy baseball season.

 

“If peeing your pants is cool…”: The Greatest Line in Movie History

“May the force be with you.” “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” “We’re not in Kansas anymore.” “E.T., phone home.” All classic movie quotes. 99% of the general population probably knows what movies these lines come from. A classic movie line transcends a movie itself. It becomes part of popular dialogue. People make puns and jokes based around it. These lines are universally recognized, so you can reference them with confidence that whomever you’re speaking with will understand.

But none of those are the greatest quote in movie history. The greatest quote doesn’t come from The Godfather, Citizen Kane, or Casablanca. The greatest quote comes from a script co-written by Adam Sandler. Billy Madison. You know the one, or at least you should if you consider yourself a cultured individual.

“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

I repeat.

IF PEEING. YOUR PANTS. IS COOL. CONSIDER ME. MILES DAVIS.

There is no possible way to punctuate or utter this line without it being hilarious. You know those people who just can’t tell a joke to save their lives? Even they would sound funnier than Amy Schumer stealing Patrice O’Neal’s jokes at America’s most storied Harlem venue (this actually happened).

Some context.

Billy Madison revolves around the title character (a never funnier Sandler), a slacker who enjoys snack packs and nudey magazines and not being productive, having to go back through grade school in order to inherit his father’s chain of luxurious hotels. While in 3rdgrade, Billy’s class goes on a field trip to one of those old historical village/museums. He sees Ernie, a shy kid in the class, facing a wall. Billy goes over and realizes that Ernie has soiled himself. Billy, in a moment of inspirational heroism, walks over to the well and splashes water all over his pants, mimicking the appearance of unfortunate urination. Billy then has the class gather around him and when they notice and start laughing, he insists that “Peeing your pants is the coolest” and that “You’re only cool if you pee your pants”. The children buy it, and when they notice Ernie peed they treat him like to coolest kid in class.

And then, an old woman with character title of “Tour Guide” chimes in.

IF PEEING YOUR PANTS IS COOL, CONSIDER ME MILES DAVIS.

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This is hilarious for so many reasons. The nasty factor. The fact that this old white lady dropped a Miles Davis reference.

The name of the actress is Gladys O’Connor, so says IMDB. She died in 2012 at the age of 108. She didn’t have too many credits to her name, though she gave a standout performance as “Smoking Grandma” in Half Baked.

Every great actor has TWO defining roles. Brando had Vito Corleone and Terry Malloy. De Niro had Jake LaMotta and Travis Bickle. Eddie Murphy had Axel Foley and Pluto Nash.

Well, Gladys O’Connor had “Tour Guide” and “Smoking Grandma”. Where’s the outrage for the Oscars ignoring her? Maybe she should’ve gotten violated by a bear and pretend to care about the planet.

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Anyways, I just wanted to shed some light on her brilliance, and the brilliance of Billy Madison as a whole. Some other gems from the best movie of 1994.

“He called the shit poop.”

Literally everything Chris Farley’s bus driver says.

“Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

“Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.”

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Peace & love, always.

Your Favorite Rapper’s Corniest Line

A lot of really intelligent, thought-provoking, and straight up badass things are said in rap songs. It’s really the only genre of music where the words mean just as much, if not more, than the sounds surrounding them. Rappers are a much smarter breed of human than they get credited for. But rappers are also morons. All rappers, even those considered to be great lyricists, have some mind-numbingly dumb things on wax before. Maybe it’s an inaccurate reference, maybe it’s a bad simile, maybe it’s just something straight up corny. The kind of lines that you hear and wonder how the hell nobody, not even an engineer or label employee, had the decency to let the artist know that the bar was what the kids are calling “wack”.

Rules:

  • No lines from Tyga and Meek Mill, because literally everything they say is horrible.
  • No lines from Future because he is better than all of us.
  • Most of these are very recent, not trying to poor through 25 years of hip-hop

Let’s start with the guy who’s not even thirty yet but has had like five mid-life crisis’…

Note: I HATE YOUR FAVORITE RAPPER I HATE ALL RAPPERS

“I wish a n***a would, boy you can’t out-smart me / I let you think that you the shit but boy you can’t out-fart me”J. Cole on “Dolla and a Dream III”

Really had to start with Jermaine here. He was probably the most difficult artist to make a selection for. Not because he doesn’t have corny lines, but because he has soooo many corny lines that singling one out felt disrespectful to all the other trash bars that the supremely talented but undeniably cheesy J. Cole has spit over the years. When lines like “Flow bananas, peel this back” and “Tell your old boyfriend to skate, girl, cause a n***a don’t play them X-games” aren’t even close to the corniest of your career, well, that’s saying something.

And he made this video…

“I don’t pop molly, I rock Tom Ford” – Jay-Z on “Tom Ford”

What? I’m really confused here. I didn’t think popping molly and wearing any specific brand of clothes were mutually exclusive. What do they have to do with each other? If I pop a molly, does that mean I have to take whatever Tom Ford apparel I may be wearing off? If I’m wearing some fresh Tom Ford or maybe some of the shit Ford used to design for Gucci, is it no longer socially acceptable to pop molly? So many questions, so few answers. This line is like the final season of Lost.

“Drop it to the floor, make that ass shake / Whoa, make the ground move, that’s an ass quake / Build a house up on that ass, that’s an ass-tate / Roll my weed on it, that’s an ass tray”Big Sean on “Mercy”

“Mercy” is a Tom Haverford-certified banger but unfortunately we have to sit through forty-five seconds of Big Sean slowly repeating nonsense. Funny (and true) story. Big Sean came up with this bit when he was freestyling backstage to himself as a Jay-Z concert warming up before his performance. Kanye heard him, thought it was dope, and then in the studio months later was like, “Sean remember that shit about the ass tray? LAY THAT DOWN, THAT SHIT WAS DOPE, I’M THE MUTHAFUCKIN’ PICASSO OF OUR TIME, HAAAAN”…or something like that. So this is 50% Kanye’s fault. Speak of the devil.

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“I keep it 300, like the Romans / 300 bitches, where the Trojans?”Kanye West on “Black Skinhead”

Listen, I’m not a nerd. I don’t really care if rap music is historically accurate. But, damn, anyone who’s seen the blockbuster movie Ye is so clearly referencing here is well aware that the Spartans were, in fact, Greek. I’m all for Kanye running for president in 2020 but he needs to read a textbook or else when Anderson Cooper asks him something he’s going to make a fool of himself. Actually, you know what. I’m wrong. The Spartans were Romans. All hail our lord and savior. Yeezy taught me.

“Just finished the rhyme and I bust it / Excuse the corny metaphor, but they’ll never catch up, to all this energy that I’ve mustered”Eminem on “You’re Never Over”

Eminem is probably the only rapper who can warn you he’s about to say something corny, proceed to say something corny, and have his stans still be like “play that shit back, mind-blown, FIRE MARSHALL”. White privilege? In all seriousness, I wish rapper would stop using the word “metaphor” incorrectly. What Em did here was make a pun, or wordplay, or what have you. Honorable mention for awful Eminem line goes to “Quit playin’ with the scissors & shit, and cut the crap / I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in a rhythm for you to know it’s a wrap”.

God, Recovery was so bad…

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“Livin’ my life on Uranus, uh, keepin’ one foot in your anus, uh”Kendrick Lamar on “They Ready”

And you thought I was going to give Dot a pass just because he’s my favorite rapper ever and I already think he has a better discography than Biggie, Pac, Nas, or Jay-Z (HOT TAKE). Why Kendrick would ever lower himself to rapping after Jermaine on a DJ Khaled song is beyond me, but whatev’s, back to this line. I’ve heard countless rappers try to make the “Uranus, your anus” thing work. It never has. It’s just not funny or creative. I remember a science teacher of mine made this type of joke to a class of high school freshman and that was kind of funny, but that’s it. Why Kendrick? Why?

“Pockets on Fat Burger, goin’ so hard you’d think I mixed the Viagra with the soda”2 Chainz on “Dope Peddler”

Confession, I sort of like 2 Chainz. I think he’s funny, and I think he’s smart. His whole image is an act which he’s made millions exploiting. So, when you think about, we’re the stupid ones. But I CANNOT defend this line. 2 Chainz really loves talking about how hard his dick is. On that song with Drake he said “And my dick so hard it made the metal detector go off”. Is that something that could happen? Serious question. Maybe Deuce has some piercing we don’t know about. Okay, that’s enough. I just wrote four sentences about 2 Chainz’ penis (possessive form of 2 Chainz?).

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“That girl know ow to blow something like she played the flute” Mac Miller on “Wear My Hat”

Mac Miller has really grown as an artist. He dropped the whole frat rap thing an evolved into this complex, troubled character that makes some of the dopest psychedelic hip-hop you’ll ever hear. But once upon a time, he said things like this on a regular basis.

“Louboutin shoes, she got too much pride / Her feet are killing her. I call it shoe-icide.” – Fabulous on “You Be Killin’ Em”

Oh man, Fab. I don’t think his reputation has recovered from this line. Tragic, because he can rap when he wants to.

“Just sit on my grill / That’s that tailgate for ya”Lil Wayne on “So Special”

I’m a Wayne fan but his weak wordplay/simile game has always held him back a bit. Also, this, among many other Wayne bars, is one of the lines that marked the moment eating ass became socially acceptable. I’m not here to judge. Do whatever makes you and your girl happy, but if that involves tossing salads, we don’t really need to hear about it on your song.

“Never let me slip cause if I slip then I’m slippin”Dr Dre on “Nuthin’ but a G Thang”

This probably one of the few Dre lines that Dre actually wrote. It’s just a waste of a line. If you slip then you’re slipping? NO SHIT. I THOUGH YOU WERE A DOCTOR.

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“Honey ain’t a politician, she a pole-a-tician”Nas on “My President”

Legends are not safe here, not even Esco. This is actually a great Jeezy song with a pretty good Nas verse but all momentum, and flow, is lost when Nas makes this really bad stripper joke. This is the same guy who had the audacity to name an album Hip-Hop is Dead. FOH.

And finally, we get to Drake.

Drake is great. I’m a huge fan, but he certainly gives Cole a run for his money as the dude responsible for the the corniest lines of the last five years. I’ll run through FOUR of them. That’s right, Drake gets four.

“They should call me James, ’cause I’m goin’ hard in this bitch”Drake on “My Way”

OF COURSE Drake hopped on a Fetty Wap song. OF COURSE it became a huge hit. AND OF FUCKING COURSE Drake made a laughably bad sports pun on Houston Rockets star James Harden. The worst part is that the dark depths of Drake twitter actually think this is dope. Drake’s a great artist but he has the most annoying diehard fans. He’s the Radiohead/Metallica of rap.

“I got bath water you could soak in, things I could do with lotion.”Drake on “In the Morning”

This Drake-Cole collaboration was every bit as plushy ad you’d expect. But Drake takes the cake, because he wrote a line about giving someone a bath, and then recorded it, and then let someone release it.

“I’m going through her phone if she goes to the bathroom and her purse right there. I don’t trust these hoes, at all.”Drake on “Lord Knows”

This some real, petty, female-ish type shit (not to be rude). You’re a multi-platinum rapper with an infite supply of women doing to do whatever the hell you want (don’t believe me? read this), why the hell are you out here snooping through cell phones.

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“Frostbite drizzy nigga, nobody is cold as Drake / Keep yo ass inline, don’t be tryin’ to roller skate” Drake on “Stuntin”

I’m going to give Drake a pass for this one because he was young and trying to be the next Lil Wayne and Wayne probably heard this and told him to lay it down immediately.

See you later. Keep it 100, or as Drake would say, “Keep it 8 more than 92”. WHY DIDN’T I INCLUDE THAT ONE.

Limerick NFL Power Rankings (Preseason Edition)

Here are my first 2015 NFL power rankings. I’ll update them monthly. There are a million of these out there so I tried to keep it 100 emoji by writing a limerick for each team.

1. Seattle Seahawks

Russell Wilson, he finally got paid

But with Ciara, he’s not getting laid

Next time run it inside the two

That’s what your boy Jesus would do

Maybe then you won’t catch Twitter shade

2. Denver Broncos

Peyton Manning’s arm is currently dying

And Wes Welker’s brain is currently frying

But the defense has great players

Who will shut-up the naysayers

Watch Chris Harris Jr. if you think I’m lying

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers love to smoke from the pipe

And Ben Roethlisberger gets all the hype

He throws a real tight spiral

His drunk photos all go viral

But if you’re over twenty, you’re not his type

4. New England Patriots

Another Patriots cheating scandal

The media coverage, I can barely handle

Gronk eat food, Gronk drink beer

That’s what I want to hear

Gronk wear bro tanks and Gronk wear sandals

Gronk not know how to format limerick

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5. Indianapolis Colts

Andrew Luck leads a high-powered attack

The entire franchise climbed on his back

But can the Colts stop the run?

Is Frank Gore really done?

Last year they gave up too many sacks

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6. Green Bay Packers

Jordy Nelson may have blown out his knee

But Aaron Rodgers is a true OG

I’m sure McCarthy has some tricks

But can they catch onside kicks?

For Green Bay, special teams is the key

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7. Philadelphia Eagles

Chip Kelly traded half of his team

Being white is a fit in his scheme

The Eagles will be just fine

Look at that offensive line

Is Tim Tebow is more than just a meme?

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8. Dallas Cowboys

America’s Team, so the Cowboys are called

I still think Dez Bryant caught that ball

Jerry Jones probably owned slaves

In negotiations, he rarely caves

Maybe he should give Donald Trump a call

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9. Arizona Cardinals

This team was great with a healthy Palmer

From inside the pocket, nobody’s calmer

Competing in a tough division

Cards need to play with precision

Can’t think of a rhyme, so fuck Carson Palmer

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10. Cincinnati Bengals

When your starting QB has red hair and dimples

You don’t win in the playoffs, it’s really that simple

Maybe this is the Bengals year

Or maybe I drink too much beer

Oh, and Burfict needs to stop tackling with his temple

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11. Baltimore Ravens

Is Joe Flacco elite? A common question

If you have a minute, I have a suggestion

Not elite, but you could do worse

Although he does look like a horse

What’s up with Suggs’ gums? That’s THE question

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12. San Diego Chargers

Phillip Rivers likes to yell about nothin’

He sounds like his wife is also his cousin

Melvin Gordon? Child please

You actually trust Badger RB’s?

And Eric Weddle gets no lovin’

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13. Kansas City Chiefs

While Eric Berry is back on the field

Andy Reid is focused on his next meal

Three yard pass on third & nine?

Alex Smith thinks that’s fine

The Chargers are better, if we’re being real

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14. Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson was gone for a while

No big deal, he just assaulted a child

The Vikings are a trendy pick

But their uni’s make me sick

Zimmer’s temperament is far from mild

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15. Buffalo Bills

Rex Ryan is now running the show

But who’s the QB? I don’t even know

Best D-line in the AFC

I saw Rex Ryan at KFC

He just bought a gallon of gravy to go

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16. Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta needs to block for Matty ice

Maybe they should’ve retained Mike Tice

Their crowd noise is manipulated

Their front seven? Complicated

Ranking them this high is me being nice

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17. Miami Dolphins

Miami keeps signing big-time free agents

Build through the draft? They lack the patience

This time it’s Ndamokung Suh

He’s like a walking, talking eff-you

An eff-you that collects eight-figure payments

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18. New Orleans Saints

Payton is still Payton, Brees is still Brees

But this defense can’t protect a lead

Their lineman get gashed

Their secondary is trash

A bounty system is what they need

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19. Houston Texans

I’m tired of hearing about J.J. Watt

“He works so hard and he’s so hot”

Never trust a man named J.J.

What’s he hiding? Not his payday

Best player of all-time? I think NOT.

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20. Detroit Lions

They lost a couple key defenders

On paper they look like pretenders

After all, they are the Lions

It’s Detroit, they’re used to cryin’

Fans will run to the Miller-Coors vendor

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21. New York Giants

JPP blew off one of his fingers

Damage is done but the pain still lingers

Throw it up to OBJ

The offense will be okay

As long as Eli still throws zingers

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22. Carolina Panthers

Cam Newton has no receivers

Riverboat Ron has few believers

This team won a playoff game?

That’s really really really lame

Kuechly probably watches Leave it to beaver

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23. St. Louis Rams

Jeff Fisher, the king of going 6-10

Some might call him a leader of men

He has a porn mustache

Nick Foles probably loves that

Back to L.A.? Here we go again

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24. Oakland Raiders

Khalil Mack and Amari Cooper

They have Raiders fans thinking Super

But they’re still the Raiders

And I’m not being a hater

This is kind of like that movie Looper

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25. Chicago Bears

Why the hell did the Bears hire John Fox?

Do they not know he can’t manage the clock?

“Cutler has the diabe-tus,

So we know he’ll never beat us,”

Diabe-tus isn’t funny, I shouldn’t mock

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26. San Francisco 49ers

Half of the damn 49ers retired

The rest went up in flames like Richard Pryor

The stadium is nice

But not for that price

GM Trent Baalke should probably be fired

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27. Jacksonville Jaguars

The one team you may have missed

Is on the rise, no bullshit

Can Bortles improve?

Will this team move?

Does Jacksonville, the city, actually exist?

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28. New York Jets

In the locker room Geno Smith got stuck

Caught a fade from a teammate, not great luck

And don’t feel bad for Geno

Maybe he’ll act all emo

But Kanye did a song with his jaw wired shut

 

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29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

If the O-line doesn’t get Jameis killed

He’ll help move the offense down the field

Lovie Smith, L-O-L

He has a job, what the hell?

What is life? This can’t actually be real

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30. Cleveland Browns

The Browns still suck, in case you were curious

Josh Gordon still banned, bet your ass I’m furious

Will Manziel make an impact this year?

Browns still suck, did I make that clear?

But to our insults, Cleveland fans are impervious

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31. Tennessee Titans

Mariota or no Mariota, the roster is weak

Rest of the league is Drake, the Titans are Meek

Their jerseys are cool though

And McCourty’s a cool bro

But 5-11 is probably their peak

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32. Washington Redskins

RG3, finally officially a backup

Efficient yards, he failed to rack-up

It matters not, to be frank

Snyder is always drawing blanks

Change your team name, you ignorant asshole

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The 10 most annoying fanbases in the NFL

This is for fun. As always, don’t take me seriously, and try to not get offended by innocent fun.

The NFL season is slowly approaching which is great because football is the best sport in the universe but also not great because certain fanbases will also have reasons to scream.

I put together a list of the 10 most annoying NFL fan bases. I’m a Bengals fan, and I assure, we’re not annoying. We know we suck. We come into every season knowing that. We’re not loud. We’re immune to your jokes. These 10 are very loud and very annoying.

No order here. All of these fanbases are equally unbearable.

Washington Redskins

While I want to feel bad for Redskins fans due to their incompetent owner, I can’t. The ones who defend their nickname base their argument around wanting to preserve “history”. What history? The Redskins suck, and the only history is one of them thinking that they’re as important to the league as the Cowboys. Doug Williams ain’t walking through that door, folks.

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RG settle-for-3 having a great rookie year and taking the Skins to the playoffs was beautiful because it inspired false hope. Nothing is better than watching a fanbase believe they have a chance, only to witness their team fail tragically.

The Redskins are also coached by JAY Gruden. It’d be unfair to Jim Belushi to call Jay Gruden the Jim Belushi of the Gruden’s, if that makes sense.

Philadelphia Eagles

If I was to do this type of list for every sport, Philly would see itself on all of them. As both a regular city and sporting city, Philly is the worst. Take the drunken obnoxiousness of Boston fans, add in the violent crime and hard drugs of Baltimore, and you have Philly.

You know that episode of Always Sunny where the gang tried to go the World Series smashed on “riot juice”? That’s how the average Philly fan treats a preseason game.

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Also, Eagles fans act like Chip Kelly is already in the HOF despite the fact that he hasn’t done anything besides blow up the roster. Chip Kelly this, Chip Kelly that. I give him until 2018 before he’s back calling plays in college.

Green Bay Packers

If you’ve ever owned, worn, or even dreamt of wearing a “cheese head”…..you need to sign up for one of those trips to Mars and just stay there. It’s easily the dumbest piece of fan attire in the world. There’s no possible way to wear a cheese head and not look like an idiot.

WE GET IT. You guys have good cheese in Wisconsin. You know where else you can get good cheese? Literally anywhere.

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The worst thing about Midwestern hicks is that they don’t even realize they’re hicks. But they are. You know why Packers fan acted like that pervy Brett Favre dick pic scandal never happened? Because they don’t know what cell phones are yet, that’s why.

New England Patriots

Pats fans loves to talk about how everybody hates them. They’re right, everybody does hate them. But it’s not because we’re “jealous that you always win” or because we’re just “haters”. Don’t flatter yourselves. We hate you guys because your team has been involved in MULTIPLE cheating scandals. We hate you guys because your coach comes off as a smug narcissist better at making the Kanye face than Kanye. We hate you because you act like Tom Brady is a saint for taking a slight pay cut when in reality he can do so because his wife makes twice as much as him.

Want to know how saintly Brady is? He left his pregnant fiancee once he realized he was sort of famous and could date a supermodel. He really should’ve been a regular on Entourage.

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I live in New England, surrounded by Pats fans. They really are quite awful, and that’s upsetting because the actual team is always one of the most fun to watch.

San Francisco 49ers

Please, tell me more about how Colin Kaepernick is going to revolutionize the QB position. Tell me more about how your brand new stadium named after a denim company is the nicest in the league. When people from San Fran talk about football, like anything else, they love to act like they’re better than you.

If the 49ers are so great, why are all their players retiring? Back to Colin Kaepernick…what a melvin. He looks like the type of dude who would post Drake lyrics to caption an IG post. OH WAIT HE DID DO THAT.

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Chicago Bears

Bears fans, even the young ones, looooove to remind you of that ’85 team. That was THIRTY years ago. Thirty. Now they think their stock is rising because they just hired John Fox as head coach. Fox is basically the white Lovie Smith. With that being said, Lovie took the Bears to the SB with Rex Grossman at QB so I’m saying there’s a chance.

I also don’t understand why Bears fans are so quick to hate on Jay Cutler. Chicago is a smarter sports city than this. They should be able to realize that their problems stem far beyond Cutler.

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It’s cool. Keep talking about that ’85 team. But heed the words of Tony Soprano, “remember when is the lowest form of conversation”.

New York Jets

When deciding which NY team to include, ultimately, I went with the Jets because at least Giants fan have some reason to be pompous instigators. How many Jets fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question. Any real Jets fan would smash the lightbulb into pieces and then unfairly blame Rex Ryan.

The worst thing about Jets fans is that, for reasons unknown, they truly believe that their franchise is amongst the marquee ones in the NFL. The Jets are not a flagship franchise. The Jets just blow, and so do their fans.

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And then there’s that stupid chant, “J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!”. Not only does it sound like crap on a nursery rhyme level, but, CONGRATULATIONS, you guys can actually spell the word “Jets”.

Pittsburgh Steelers

I hate everything about the Steelers and their fans. Grrrrrrr…grit ‘n balls…grrrrrrr…power football…grrrrrr…steal curtain…grrrrr. The reality is that the Steelers haven’t been that team in five years. They’re only relevant because their 33 year-old QB is still just as good at scoring inside the red zone as he is inside a college bar (zing!).

You probably have a relative who fought in Korea and likes to watch the Steelers while slugging down Yuengling light. That same relative also probably loves to tell you how our country is going to shit because we don’t make anything anymore. Don’t listen to this relative.

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Also, the Steelers star RB, Le’Veon Bell, is suspended for three games and when he got arrested he said, “I didn’t know you could get a DUI for being high”. What a true Steeler. That’s got to be one of the great athlete quotes of all time.

Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys really are America’s team. They love to overpay underperforming white guys when things go right and chastise talented black guys when things go wrong. They turn the other cheek when it comes to almost every criminal issue. And their owner looks like he used to respectfully disagree with Robert E. Lee on cavalry tactics.

The thing about Cowboys fans is that many of them aren’t actually Cowboys fans, they just only know two or three teams and conveniently pick one when they notice that all the normal guys and girls at the bar like football.

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The Cowboys have a good team right now, which is lame. If they win a Super Bowl there will be so many people across the country acting like they’ve been fans since Michael Irvin was doing lines in the locker room.

Oakland Raiders

Raiders fans are so bad, the fact that most of them have butterfly knives at the ready in the bleachers isn’t even close to the worst thing about them.

“Just win, baby” as the late Al Davis loved to say. In recent years, it’s been more like “Just draft college underachievers with good 40 times, baby”. I think the Bay area is cool and all but when it comes to being football fans they are annoying.

The Raiders fanbase is one of the many that needs to stop living in the past. We don’t care about Bo Jackson or John Madden, yeesh.

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Peace!

50 Shades of Drake

shoutout Spinner Mason, shoutout Degrassi Junior High.

If you’re a hip-hop head you probably don’t need me to tell you that Aubrey Graham –aka Jimmy Brooks aka Drake aka The Human Tissue Box aka The Dude who called Netflix and complained that New Moon was having buffering issues– dropped a surprise mixtape/album/project last night. The joint, which can be purchased on Itunes or downloaded literally anywhere for free is called If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, which is kind of a whack title considering I read that like five minutes after he dropped it and I was not, in fact, “too late”. The usual social medias have exploded. I haven’t seen anything like this since Yeezus. On the project, Aubrey shows all of his personalities over some pretty hot production. I’m going to get into the actual music and Aubrey’s multiple personalities but I want to make a few points first.

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  • I clown on Drake because he’s easy to clown on but I want to make it clear that I do enjoy his music. Ever since he stopped trying to be the Robin to Wayne’s Batman and dropped Take Care, dude has done nothing but release solid music. He’s created his own sound and started his own crew that rivals any other posse in the game (save maybe G.O.O.D. and TDE). I’m a Drake fan.
  • Aye that “Control” song where Kendrick basically challenged every young cat in the game to pull up their panties and make rap competitive again obviously has had a major impact that can still be seen. Some of the names he called out (Drake, J. Cole, Big K.R.I.T.) have bought into that competitive spirit and put out some of their best shit. Some of the names he called out (A$AP Rocky, Jay Electronica) have been missing in action but it’s chill because I’m not convinced that Jay Electronica actually exists. Some of the names he called out (Big Sean, Meek Mill) seem to be more concerned with becoming InstaGram celebrities than anything else. Real talk, Big Sean is cornier than a Meg Ryan movie. He gets the three of the hottest producers in the game (Kanye, DJ Dahi, DJ Mustard) to collaborate on a track for him and all he does is say “I don’t give a fuck, I don’t-I don’t give a fuck” for four minutes. FOH.
  • 2015 is already a better year in rap than 2014. We got this solid project from Drake, very good albums from Lupe Fiasco and Joey Bada$$, and perhaps that most savage track since the last time Kendrick got angry with Kendrick’s “The Blacker the Berry”. And we got a Kendrick album, a Kanye album, another Drake album, and some other stuff to look forward too. Despite the best efforts of Tyga & Chris Brown, 2015 looks like a big year for the genre.

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Okay so let’s talk about the many shades of Drake that emerge from If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late. First up…

Shade #1: Ignant Drake aka The Best Drake aka Toronto Raptors going to the Finals Drake

This is my favorite Drake. The Drake that says things like “This a fuck a stripper on a mink rug song”. He’s by no means taking it the extent of someone like ScHoolboy Q and spitting bars about crackheads giving blowjobs or sticking fingers up ladies bums but Drake can still get his stunt on when he wants to. Because so many people clown him, Drake feels the need every now and then to drop some bangers where he talks about nothing more than how dope he is. Think “The Language”, “Worst Behavior”, “0 to 100”, and in this case, “Energy”. “Energy” is my favorite track off this tape on first listen. He just wilds the fuck out on this one. Some of my favorite bars…

  • “I got people talkin’ down, man, like I give a fuck / I bought this one a purse, I bought this one a truck.”

That’s some real shit. If you see a stripper walking to work with a Dolce & Gabana bag, credit Aubrey.

  • “I got bitches askin’ me about the code for the WiFi / So they can talk about they timeline / And show me pictures of they friends / Just to tell me they ain’t really friends”

Some more real shit. You ever seen a group of women talk about InstaGram photos or whatever. They scroll for days and double-tap everything then just tell each other about how much that hate that girl. Fellas do this too, so it’s kind of wash.

Also, what do you think Drake’s WiFi password is? Gotta have something to do with Mama Mia or Ellen Degeneres, right?

  • “I got strippers in my life, but they virgins to me”

Bold ass claim coming from the dude who once said “Tears all in your pillowcase” on a track with Rihanna. Also, you may have heard the story about how some girl said that Drake tried to toss her salad like his name Romaine. Idk if it’s true but check it out.

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  • “I might go DeMarcus Cousins out in public”

This line is from “6 Man” but I had to include it here. It’s so fucking savage. Rap needs more Boogie references.

  • “Boutta call your ass an Uber, I got somewhere to be”

This is dope. Imagine some girl who’s at Drake’s crib, thinking after they’re done slow-dancing or playing “Never Have I Ever” that she’s gonna get a ride home in a limo or some shit. Next thing she knows, there’s some college kid with a ratstache and a beat up early 2000s Audi his dad bought him in the driveway.

That’s ignant Drake in a nutshell for you. On to the next Drake…

Shade 2: “I read the new Nicholas Sparks novel in one sitting” Drake aka “You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice” Drake aka Heartbreak Drake

Gotta give the boy props. Girls love him despite the fact that he raps about strippers just as much as 2 Chainz. This is the Drake whose larynx serves as a natural aphrodisiac for teenage girls who are upset that the boys in their school think Robert Pattinson is a dweeb. This is the Drake who wants you to know he still loves mom dukes despite her issues and the Drake that just wants to cuddle up next to you sharing one spoon for some yogurt while watching Dawson’s Creek reruns. This is the Drake who feels bad about not texting you back so he leaves you a six-minute voicemail apologizing for all his wrongdoings and telling you you’re the only one that matters.

Think “Best I Ever Had”, “Take Care”, “Doing it Wrong”, and on this project, “Company” and “You & the 6”. Some bars…

  • “I need a girl who gon’ love me / I need a girl who gon’ trust me / Someone to fuck me / Someone to make me feel lucky”

That’s some heavy shit. Heartbreak Drake has made millions off of saying the shit all fellas wanna say but can’t because their friends will call them “pussy”.

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  • “I don’t deserve her at all, no not all / I only text her, man, I never call”

I would pay nine million dollars that I don’t have to read Heartbreak Drake’s phone records from the last year.

  • “Having conversations with mama, man my life is a mess / Ain’t been returning the texts, so she been reading the press”

Ayo somebody needs to teach Heartbreak Drake cellphone etiquette.

  • “There’s always someone better, like that girl from the gym who trains you / I know you wanna arrange it, you told me she’s free Thursday / And I’m sure she’s an angel but she don’t want this life, the timing ain’t right”

 

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Shade 3: “You bullied me but now I’m laughing” Drake aka “The tribulations made me the man I am today” Drake aka Jimmy Brooks

Jimmy Brooks loves to let us now about how his struggles, like making 50K a year as teenager, made him the badass he is today. This is the Drake who got his pants pulled down by another kid in the locker room and was depressed for a month but years later sent him an Edible Arrangement saying “Who’s depressed now?”. Shoutout wheelchair Jimmy. Jimmy Brooks likes to stunt like Ignant Drake but he’s more bitter about it. This is the drake that comes out when other rappers diss him. Think “Lord Knows”, second-half of “Tuscan Leather”, and on this project, “6 PM in New York”. Some BARS…

  • “Every shot they take at me? They all contested / Allen Iverson shoe deal, these niggas all in question”

This is FIRE. Back when AI was the king he had a shoe deal with Reebok (Reebok?) and his shoes were called the Questions. His nickname was also The Answer of course, so another solid hoops reference and personal defense from Jimmy here.

  • “I heard a lil homie talkin’ reckless in Vibe / Quite a platform you chose, shoulda kept it inside / Oh you tried, it’s so childish callin’ my name on the worlds stage / You need to act your age and not you girls age”

BODIED. Brief Story behind this one: Tyga, aka that scrawny ass bullshitter with all the tats, called Drake a “fake” in a recent Vibe interview. Tyga (25) is also dating Kylie Jenner who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD.

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  • “I know rappers that call papparazzi to come and get ’em / To show they outfits off, guess they need the attention / I remember when it used to be the music that did it / But then again times have changed man, who are we kiddin?”

Truuuuuuu.

  • “Bitter women I’m overtextin’ PMSing crazy this year / Fuckin’ with my image / I’ve been tryna reach to you so I can save ’em this year”

Even Jimmy still tries to save the ladies, which leads me to the final Shade of Drake…

Shade #4: Stripper Savior Drake aka Rap Game Dr. Phil aka “Did he hurt you?” Drake aka Aubrey Graham

Similar to Heartbreak Drake but a little more angry, Aubrey Graham is probably the closest thing to the real Drake. You know how Spider-Man and Superman and those guys have the ability to sense when someone needs saving? Our boy Aubrey’s got that too. Dude has a bluetooth piece in his ear that rings every time some dude cheats on his girl. I mean, Aubrey actually said “Just throw up while I hold your hair back”. Examples: “Marvin’s Room”, “The Real Her”, “From Time”, and on this project, “Madonna” and “Jungle”. Ba-ba-bars…

  • “I saw potential in you from the go, you know that I did”

You might look at a promiscuous girl as a shady individual but Aubrey sees a big bright shining star.

  • “She said you’re my everything / I love you through everything”

Aubrey forgives you for your faults, because he has his too.

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  • “These days these new girls got me nervous / They got to school and do bottle service / They can’t decide, they keep switchin’ majors / Being indecisive make me anxious.”

BOOM. There it is. If this rap thing doesn’t work out Drake has a career as an academic advisor. He’s taking saving ladies to a whole new level. How I imagine this might go…

Drake: So you’re still undeclared, boo?

Female Student: Yeah, my parents really want me to do pre-law, but I’m unsure.

Drake: Listen to yourself, girl, or nobody will. Do what feels right. Don’t let any haters tell you you’re not beautiful and intelligent.

Female Student: I really want to help people.

Drake: We have that in common. Teaching, perhaps?

Female Student: No, I’m not good with kids.

Drake: That’s okay, just be yourself. Not everyone woman needs to be pressured into being a mother.

Female Student: Ummm…what?

Drake: How about Social Work?

Female: OMG! That totes sounds perfect. Thank you Mr. Graham.

*Drake reaches his hand across the desk, touching hers*

Drake: Please, call me Aubrey.

So there you have it, the many shades of Drake. At any moment the man can be Ignant Drake, Heartbreak Drake, Jimmy Brooks, or Aubrey Graham. He’s often multiple people at the same time.

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Peace!