The Life of Pablo (Sandoval)

It’s really stupid to idolize athletes and expect them to be role models for the youth. Like the rest of us, they’re deplorable human beings with selfish aspirations and many intrinsic character flaws. They just happens to be good at a particular sport. They’re just going through the motions, pretending to care, and waiting to die alone. Charles Barkley said it best, “I get paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court, not be a role model.” The notion that it’s part of an athlete’s job to position him or herself as an upright, admirable person in the public eye so to provide inspiration for the children is a dumb fairy-tale concept. For real, what world do you live in? Life is a $14.99 buffet with free Pepsi refills whose clientele like Reagan as a politician and as an actor. Just like you and me, professional athletes are trying to weasel their way through that buffet line to get the most food before everyone else whether they need/deserve it or not.

Speaking of buffets, there’s a chance you heard about how the Boston Red Sox announced that Pablo Sandoval will NOT be their starting third baseman on opening day. A baseball player being relegated to the bench in favor of a better baseball player? Nothing out of the ordinary; until you consider that Pablo Sandoval signed a fully-guaranteed 5 year/$90 million contract with the Red Sox in November of 2014. At the time, it didn’t appear to be the absolute worst agreement in the history of organized labor. Sandoval was at least a decent player, and if the Sox ever needed more money they could just charge $10.75 for Bud Light instead of $10.25. There’s no salary cap in baseball, so who gives a shit, right?


Pablo’s first season with the Sox was an unmitigated disaster to an extent rarely seen in human history. I’m talking “directed by Zack Snyder” levels of awful. Pablo, who goes by the nickname “Panda”, had an OPS of just .658 and graded out as the worst defensive third baseman in the majors. On top of that, Pablo took full advantage of the Sox NOT putting a weight clause in his contract (something that was a deal-breaker when the Padres tried to sign him). Pablo ballooned to a reported 300 lbs. He didn’t seem to care about staying in shape or playing baseball. He even got caught liking pictures of girls on the Gram during a game.

In other words, Pablo is the realest, and my personal hero. There’s this false idea that the American Dream is about finding something you’re good at and love doing, then being well compensated for producing to the best of your ability. FALSE. The American Dream is actually about fooling some asshole who’s richer than you into overestimating your abilities, getting him to legally owe you a lot of money, and then collecting paychecks while putting in as little effort as humanly possible. If I signed a piece of paper entitling me to $90 million regardless of the quality of my work I would spend my days eating Cheetos, not licking my fingers adequately, and then getting artificial cheese all over my work computer as I tweet out borderline misogynist memes suggesting that the music of Iggy Azalea holds as much artistic value as the shits I take after winning a bet that I can’t eat $15 worth of Taco Bell in one sitting.

Many athletes would use a down season as motivation to come into camp next year in the best shape of their lives with intents of playing well and proving the talk radio meatheads wrong. But not Pablo, because he’s too real. He came into spring training this year fatter than ever. The Red Sox cannot find a trade partner willing to take on his contract. It’s looking extremely likely that Pablo will make $18 million a year for the next four years to NOT work. That’s Charlie Weis level finessing. You simply have to give credit where credit is due. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

As for the question of whether or not Sandoval served as inspiration for the title of Kanye West’s most recent studio album (The Life of Pablo), my sources could not confirm one way or the other. Most speculation has hinted at it likely being a reference to Pablo Picasso, St. Paul, or Pablo Escobar. Maybe Kanye wasn’t personally inspired by the achievements of Pablo Sandoval. But I sure was. Hell, Sandoval is the 2nd most-inspiring Pablo after Pablo Sanchez in Backyard Baseball.

Fuck it. I haven’t shared my thoughts on TLOP yet so here’s a quick track-by-track look at the album imaging that Pablo Sandoval remixed it.

“Ultralight Beam” or “Ultra Light Cream (Remix)”

Kanye version: We on a Ultra light Beam, we on a Ultra Light Beam / THis is a God dream, this is everythaaang

Sandoval version: I hate that Ultra Light Cream, I hate that Ultra Light Cream / I want heavy cream, in my coffee draaank

“Father Stretch my Hands Pt. 1” OR “Frosting on my Hands Pt. 1 (Remix)”

Kanye version: Now if I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole / And I get bleach on my t-shirt, I’m feel like an asshole

Sandoval version: Now if I hit this bakery, and they’re all out of cheesecake / I won’t care all that much, cuz I’ll just eat a different cake

“Pt. 2”

Kanye version: Woke up this morning, miss you bad / Sorry I ain’t call you back, same problem my father had

Sandoval version: Woke up this morning, had a snack / Two pounds of bacon, hash browns and some Apple Jacks


Kanye version: For all my South Side n****s that know me best / I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / Why? I made that bitch famous.

Sandoval version: For my grocery store n****s that know me best / Give me a pack of bread crumbs and your two biggest breasts / Why? I want that shit deep-fried.


Kanye version: Pablo bought a Roley and a Rottweiler / Seems like the more fame, I only got wilder

Sandoval version: Pablo always tips the delivery driver / Seems like the more I order, I only get wider


Kanye version: I bet me and Ray J would be friends, if we ain’t love the same bitch / Yea he mighta hit it first, only problem is I’m rich

Sandoval version: I bet this salad would be bomb, if it were an enchilada / The first phrase I learned in English, was “No I don’t want an ensalada”

“I Miss the Old Kanye” OR “I Miss the Old Menu (Remix)”

Kanye version: I miss the old Kanye, straight from the go Kanye / Chop up the sould Kanye, set on his goals Kanye / I hate the new Kanye, the bad mood Kanye / The always rude Kanye, spaz in the news Kanye

Sandoval version: I miss the old menu, the super-size menu / Sixty-four ounce menu, extra large fries menu / I hate the new menu, the fuckin’ wack menu / Nutrition facts menu, calories from fat menu


Kanye version: Sun don’t shine in the shade (turn it up) / Bird can’t fly in a cage (turn it up!) / Even when somebody go away (turn it up!) / The feelings don’t really go away

Sandoval version: I like a lot of butter on my toast (churn it up!) / Also buttered gravy for my roast (churn it up!) / Paula Deen man I swear she do the most (churn it up!) / Signed for $90 million time to coast


Kanye version: So cover Nori, in lamb’s wool / We surrounded by, the fuckin’ wolves

Sandoval version: So cover that ham, in honey glaze / My favorite chip, barbeque lay’s


Okay that’s all I have today. Enjoy TLOP and pretend to enjoy baseball season.


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