“If peeing your pants is cool…”: The Greatest Line in Movie History

“May the force be with you.” “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” “We’re not in Kansas anymore.” “E.T., phone home.” All classic movie quotes. 99% of the general population probably knows what movies these lines come from. A classic movie line transcends a movie itself. It becomes part of popular dialogue. People make puns and jokes based around it. These lines are universally recognized, so you can reference them with confidence that whomever you’re speaking with will understand.

But none of those are the greatest quote in movie history. The greatest quote doesn’t come from The Godfather, Citizen Kane, or Casablanca. The greatest quote comes from a script co-written by Adam Sandler. Billy Madison. You know the one, or at least you should if you consider yourself a cultured individual.

“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

I repeat.

IF PEEING. YOUR PANTS. IS COOL. CONSIDER ME. MILES DAVIS.

There is no possible way to punctuate or utter this line without it being hilarious. You know those people who just can’t tell a joke to save their lives? Even they would sound funnier than Amy Schumer stealing Patrice O’Neal’s jokes at America’s most storied Harlem venue (this actually happened).

Some context.

Billy Madison revolves around the title character (a never funnier Sandler), a slacker who enjoys snack packs and nudey magazines and not being productive, having to go back through grade school in order to inherit his father’s chain of luxurious hotels. While in 3rdgrade, Billy’s class goes on a field trip to one of those old historical village/museums. He sees Ernie, a shy kid in the class, facing a wall. Billy goes over and realizes that Ernie has soiled himself. Billy, in a moment of inspirational heroism, walks over to the well and splashes water all over his pants, mimicking the appearance of unfortunate urination. Billy then has the class gather around him and when they notice and start laughing, he insists that “Peeing your pants is the coolest” and that “You’re only cool if you pee your pants”. The children buy it, and when they notice Ernie peed they treat him like to coolest kid in class.

And then, an old woman with character title of “Tour Guide” chimes in.

IF PEEING YOUR PANTS IS COOL, CONSIDER ME MILES DAVIS.

billy gif

This is hilarious for so many reasons. The nasty factor. The fact that this old white lady dropped a Miles Davis reference.

The name of the actress is Gladys O’Connor, so says IMDB. She died in 2012 at the age of 108. She didn’t have too many credits to her name, though she gave a standout performance as “Smoking Grandma” in Half Baked.

Every great actor has TWO defining roles. Brando had Vito Corleone and Terry Malloy. De Niro had Jake LaMotta and Travis Bickle. Eddie Murphy had Axel Foley and Pluto Nash.

Well, Gladys O’Connor had “Tour Guide” and “Smoking Grandma”. Where’s the outrage for the Oscars ignoring her? Maybe she should’ve gotten violated by a bear and pretend to care about the planet.

billy

Anyways, I just wanted to shed some light on her brilliance, and the brilliance of Billy Madison as a whole. Some other gems from the best movie of 1994.

“He called the shit poop.”

Literally everything Chris Farley’s bus driver says.

“Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

“Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.”

billy gif2

Peace & love, always.

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