A lot of really intelligent, thought-provoking, and straight up badass things are said in rap songs. It’s really the only genre of music where the words mean just as much, if not more, than the sounds surrounding them. Rappers are a much smarter breed of human than they get credited for. But rappers are also morons. All rappers, even those considered to be great lyricists, have some mind-numbingly dumb things on wax before. Maybe it’s an inaccurate reference, maybe it’s a bad simile, maybe it’s just something straight up corny. The kind of lines that you hear and wonder how the hell nobody, not even an engineer or label employee, had the decency to let the artist know that the bar was what the kids are calling “wack”.
- No lines from Tyga and Meek Mill, because literally everything they say is horrible.
- No lines from Future because he is better than all of us.
- Most of these are very recent, not trying to poor through 25 years of hip-hop
Let’s start with the guy who’s not even thirty yet but has had like five mid-life crisis’…
Note: I HATE YOUR FAVORITE RAPPER I HATE ALL RAPPERS
“I wish a n***a would, boy you can’t out-smart me / I let you think that you the shit but boy you can’t out-fart me” – J. Cole on “Dolla and a Dream III”
Really had to start with Jermaine here. He was probably the most difficult artist to make a selection for. Not because he doesn’t have corny lines, but because he has soooo many corny lines that singling one out felt disrespectful to all the other trash bars that the supremely talented but undeniably cheesy J. Cole has spit over the years. When lines like “Flow bananas, peel this back” and “Tell your old boyfriend to skate, girl, cause a n***a don’t play them X-games” aren’t even close to the corniest of your career, well, that’s saying something.
And he made this video…
“I don’t pop molly, I rock Tom Ford” – Jay-Z on “Tom Ford”
What? I’m really confused here. I didn’t think popping molly and wearing any specific brand of clothes were mutually exclusive. What do they have to do with each other? If I pop a molly, does that mean I have to take whatever Tom Ford apparel I may be wearing off? If I’m wearing some fresh Tom Ford or maybe some of the shit Ford used to design for Gucci, is it no longer socially acceptable to pop molly? So many questions, so few answers. This line is like the final season of Lost.
“Drop it to the floor, make that ass shake / Whoa, make the ground move, that’s an ass quake / Build a house up on that ass, that’s an ass-tate / Roll my weed on it, that’s an ass tray” – Big Sean on “Mercy”
“Mercy” is a Tom Haverford-certified banger but unfortunately we have to sit through forty-five seconds of Big Sean slowly repeating nonsense. Funny (and true) story. Big Sean came up with this bit when he was freestyling backstage to himself as a Jay-Z concert warming up before his performance. Kanye heard him, thought it was dope, and then in the studio months later was like, “Sean remember that shit about the ass tray? LAY THAT DOWN, THAT SHIT WAS DOPE, I’M THE MUTHAFUCKIN’ PICASSO OF OUR TIME, HAAAAN”…or something like that. So this is 50% Kanye’s fault. Speak of the devil.
“I keep it 300, like the Romans / 300 bitches, where the Trojans?” – Kanye West on “Black Skinhead”
Listen, I’m not a nerd. I don’t really care if rap music is historically accurate. But, damn, anyone who’s seen the blockbuster movie Ye is so clearly referencing here is well aware that the Spartans were, in fact, Greek. I’m all for Kanye running for president in 2020 but he needs to read a textbook or else when Anderson Cooper asks him something he’s going to make a fool of himself. Actually, you know what. I’m wrong. The Spartans were Romans. All hail our lord and savior. Yeezy taught me.
“Just finished the rhyme and I bust it / Excuse the corny metaphor, but they’ll never catch up, to all this energy that I’ve mustered” – Eminem on “You’re Never Over”
Eminem is probably the only rapper who can warn you he’s about to say something corny, proceed to say something corny, and have his stans still be like “play that shit back, mind-blown, FIRE MARSHALL”. White privilege? In all seriousness, I wish rapper would stop using the word “metaphor” incorrectly. What Em did here was make a pun, or wordplay, or what have you. Honorable mention for awful Eminem line goes to “Quit playin’ with the scissors & shit, and cut the crap / I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in a rhythm for you to know it’s a wrap”.
God, Recovery was so bad…
“Livin’ my life on Uranus, uh, keepin’ one foot in your anus, uh” – Kendrick Lamar on “They Ready”
And you thought I was going to give Dot a pass just because he’s my favorite rapper ever and I already think he has a better discography than Biggie, Pac, Nas, or Jay-Z (HOT TAKE). Why Kendrick would ever lower himself to rapping after Jermaine on a DJ Khaled song is beyond me, but whatev’s, back to this line. I’ve heard countless rappers try to make the “Uranus, your anus” thing work. It never has. It’s just not funny or creative. I remember a science teacher of mine made this type of joke to a class of high school freshman and that was kind of funny, but that’s it. Why Kendrick? Why?
“Pockets on Fat Burger, goin’ so hard you’d think I mixed the Viagra with the soda” – 2 Chainz on “Dope Peddler”
Confession, I sort of like 2 Chainz. I think he’s funny, and I think he’s smart. His whole image is an act which he’s made millions exploiting. So, when you think about, we’re the stupid ones. But I CANNOT defend this line. 2 Chainz really loves talking about how hard his dick is. On that song with Drake he said “And my dick so hard it made the metal detector go off”. Is that something that could happen? Serious question. Maybe Deuce has some piercing we don’t know about. Okay, that’s enough. I just wrote four sentences about 2 Chainz’ penis (possessive form of 2 Chainz?).
“That girl know ow to blow something like she played the flute” – Mac Miller on “Wear My Hat”
Mac Miller has really grown as an artist. He dropped the whole frat rap thing an evolved into this complex, troubled character that makes some of the dopest psychedelic hip-hop you’ll ever hear. But once upon a time, he said things like this on a regular basis.
“Louboutin shoes, she got too much pride / Her feet are killing her. I call it shoe-icide.” – Fabulous on “You Be Killin’ Em”
Oh man, Fab. I don’t think his reputation has recovered from this line. Tragic, because he can rap when he wants to.
“Just sit on my grill / That’s that tailgate for ya” – Lil Wayne on “So Special”
I’m a Wayne fan but his weak wordplay/simile game has always held him back a bit. Also, this, among many other Wayne bars, is one of the lines that marked the moment eating ass became socially acceptable. I’m not here to judge. Do whatever makes you and your girl happy, but if that involves tossing salads, we don’t really need to hear about it on your song.
“Never let me slip cause if I slip then I’m slippin” – Dr Dre on “Nuthin’ but a G Thang”
This probably one of the few Dre lines that Dre actually wrote. It’s just a waste of a line. If you slip then you’re slipping? NO SHIT. I THOUGH YOU WERE A DOCTOR.
“Honey ain’t a politician, she a pole-a-tician” – Nas on “My President”
Legends are not safe here, not even Esco. This is actually a great Jeezy song with a pretty good Nas verse but all momentum, and flow, is lost when Nas makes this really bad stripper joke. This is the same guy who had the audacity to name an album Hip-Hop is Dead. FOH.
And finally, we get to Drake.
Drake is great. I’m a huge fan, but he certainly gives Cole a run for his money as the dude responsible for the the corniest lines of the last five years. I’ll run through FOUR of them. That’s right, Drake gets four.
“They should call me James, ’cause I’m goin’ hard in this bitch” – Drake on “My Way”
OF COURSE Drake hopped on a Fetty Wap song. OF COURSE it became a huge hit. AND OF FUCKING COURSE Drake made a laughably bad sports pun on Houston Rockets star James Harden. The worst part is that the dark depths of Drake twitter actually think this is dope. Drake’s a great artist but he has the most annoying diehard fans. He’s the Radiohead/Metallica of rap.
“I got bath water you could soak in, things I could do with lotion.” – Drake on “In the Morning”
This Drake-Cole collaboration was every bit as plushy ad you’d expect. But Drake takes the cake, because he wrote a line about giving someone a bath, and then recorded it, and then let someone release it.
“I’m going through her phone if she goes to the bathroom and her purse right there. I don’t trust these hoes, at all.” – Drake on “Lord Knows”
This some real, petty, female-ish type shit (not to be rude). You’re a multi-platinum rapper with an infite supply of women doing to do whatever the hell you want (don’t believe me? read this), why the hell are you out here snooping through cell phones.
“Frostbite drizzy nigga, nobody is cold as Drake / Keep yo ass inline, don’t be tryin’ to roller skate” – Drake on “Stuntin”
I’m going to give Drake a pass for this one because he was young and trying to be the next Lil Wayne and Wayne probably heard this and told him to lay it down immediately.
See you later. Keep it 100, or as Drake would say, “Keep it 8 more than 92”. WHY DIDN’T I INCLUDE THAT ONE.