Limerick NFL Power Rankings (Preseason Edition)

Here are my first 2015 NFL power rankings. I’ll update them monthly. There are a million of these out there so I tried to keep it 100 emoji by writing a limerick for each team.

1. Seattle Seahawks

Russell Wilson, he finally got paid

But with Ciara, he’s not getting laid

Next time run it inside the two

That’s what your boy Jesus would do

Maybe then you won’t catch Twitter shade

2. Denver Broncos

Peyton Manning’s arm is currently dying

And Wes Welker’s brain is currently frying

But the defense has great players

Who will shut-up the naysayers

Watch Chris Harris Jr. if you think I’m lying

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers love to smoke from the pipe

And Ben Roethlisberger gets all the hype

He throws a real tight spiral

His drunk photos all go viral

But if you’re over twenty, you’re not his type

4. New England Patriots

Another Patriots cheating scandal

The media coverage, I can barely handle

Gronk eat food, Gronk drink beer

That’s what I want to hear

Gronk wear bro tanks and Gronk wear sandals

Gronk not know how to format limerick

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5. Indianapolis Colts

Andrew Luck leads a high-powered attack

The entire franchise climbed on his back

But can the Colts stop the run?

Is Frank Gore really done?

Last year they gave up too many sacks

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6. Green Bay Packers

Jordy Nelson may have blown out his knee

But Aaron Rodgers is a true OG

I’m sure McCarthy has some tricks

But can they catch onside kicks?

For Green Bay, special teams is the key

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7. Philadelphia Eagles

Chip Kelly traded half of his team

Being white is a fit in his scheme

The Eagles will be just fine

Look at that offensive line

Is Tim Tebow is more than just a meme?

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8. Dallas Cowboys

America’s Team, so the Cowboys are called

I still think Dez Bryant caught that ball

Jerry Jones probably owned slaves

In negotiations, he rarely caves

Maybe he should give Donald Trump a call

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9. Arizona Cardinals

This team was great with a healthy Palmer

From inside the pocket, nobody’s calmer

Competing in a tough division

Cards need to play with precision

Can’t think of a rhyme, so fuck Carson Palmer

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10. Cincinnati Bengals

When your starting QB has red hair and dimples

You don’t win in the playoffs, it’s really that simple

Maybe this is the Bengals year

Or maybe I drink too much beer

Oh, and Burfict needs to stop tackling with his temple

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11. Baltimore Ravens

Is Joe Flacco elite? A common question

If you have a minute, I have a suggestion

Not elite, but you could do worse

Although he does look like a horse

What’s up with Suggs’ gums? That’s THE question

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12. San Diego Chargers

Phillip Rivers likes to yell about nothin’

He sounds like his wife is also his cousin

Melvin Gordon? Child please

You actually trust Badger RB’s?

And Eric Weddle gets no lovin’

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13. Kansas City Chiefs

While Eric Berry is back on the field

Andy Reid is focused on his next meal

Three yard pass on third & nine?

Alex Smith thinks that’s fine

The Chargers are better, if we’re being real

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14. Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson was gone for a while

No big deal, he just assaulted a child

The Vikings are a trendy pick

But their uni’s make me sick

Zimmer’s temperament is far from mild

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15. Buffalo Bills

Rex Ryan is now running the show

But who’s the QB? I don’t even know

Best D-line in the AFC

I saw Rex Ryan at KFC

He just bought a gallon of gravy to go

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16. Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta needs to block for Matty ice

Maybe they should’ve retained Mike Tice

Their crowd noise is manipulated

Their front seven? Complicated

Ranking them this high is me being nice

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17. Miami Dolphins

Miami keeps signing big-time free agents

Build through the draft? They lack the patience

This time it’s Ndamokung Suh

He’s like a walking, talking eff-you

An eff-you that collects eight-figure payments

suhmokey

18. New Orleans Saints

Payton is still Payton, Brees is still Brees

But this defense can’t protect a lead

Their lineman get gashed

Their secondary is trash

A bounty system is what they need

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19. Houston Texans

I’m tired of hearing about J.J. Watt

“He works so hard and he’s so hot”

Never trust a man named J.J.

What’s he hiding? Not his payday

Best player of all-time? I think NOT.

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20. Detroit Lions

They lost a couple key defenders

On paper they look like pretenders

After all, they are the Lions

It’s Detroit, they’re used to cryin’

Fans will run to the Miller-Coors vendor

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21. New York Giants

JPP blew off one of his fingers

Damage is done but the pain still lingers

Throw it up to OBJ

The offense will be okay

As long as Eli still throws zingers

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22. Carolina Panthers

Cam Newton has no receivers

Riverboat Ron has few believers

This team won a playoff game?

That’s really really really lame

Kuechly probably watches Leave it to beaver

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23. St. Louis Rams

Jeff Fisher, the king of going 6-10

Some might call him a leader of men

He has a porn mustache

Nick Foles probably loves that

Back to L.A.? Here we go again

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24. Oakland Raiders

Khalil Mack and Amari Cooper

They have Raiders fans thinking Super

But they’re still the Raiders

And I’m not being a hater

This is kind of like that movie Looper

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25. Chicago Bears

Why the hell did the Bears hire John Fox?

Do they not know he can’t manage the clock?

“Cutler has the diabe-tus,

So we know he’ll never beat us,”

Diabe-tus isn’t funny, I shouldn’t mock

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26. San Francisco 49ers

Half of the damn 49ers retired

The rest went up in flames like Richard Pryor

The stadium is nice

But not for that price

GM Trent Baalke should probably be fired

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27. Jacksonville Jaguars

The one team you may have missed

Is on the rise, no bullshit

Can Bortles improve?

Will this team move?

Does Jacksonville, the city, actually exist?

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28. New York Jets

In the locker room Geno Smith got stuck

Caught a fade from a teammate, not great luck

And don’t feel bad for Geno

Maybe he’ll act all emo

But Kanye did a song with his jaw wired shut

 

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29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

If the O-line doesn’t get Jameis killed

He’ll help move the offense down the field

Lovie Smith, L-O-L

He has a job, what the hell?

What is life? This can’t actually be real

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30. Cleveland Browns

The Browns still suck, in case you were curious

Josh Gordon still banned, bet your ass I’m furious

Will Manziel make an impact this year?

Browns still suck, did I make that clear?

But to our insults, Cleveland fans are impervious

drake-johnny

31. Tennessee Titans

Mariota or no Mariota, the roster is weak

Rest of the league is Drake, the Titans are Meek

Their jerseys are cool though

And McCourty’s a cool bro

But 5-11 is probably their peak

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32. Washington Redskins

RG3, finally officially a backup

Efficient yards, he failed to rack-up

It matters not, to be frank

Snyder is always drawing blanks

Change your team name, you ignorant asshole

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