‘Game of Thrones’ szn 5, ep 5: Fifty Shades of Bolton

Note: unlike Winter, spoilers for last nights Game of Thrones are definitely coming.

I’m not much of a history buff. In fact, my understanding of how our world came to be what it is today is mostly based off “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and Mel Gibson movies. Those of you who do dabble in history may have heard the common myth about how the Ancient Romans liked to feed Christians to the lions (again, a myth, even Mel Gibson knows that). I only bring this up because perhaps the most memorable moment in last nights very good Game of Thrones episode “Kill the Boy” consisted of Daenerys feeding a leader of one of the high families of Meereen to her dragons. It was brutal yet hilarious way for the producers to flex their budget and remind us just how badass the dragons are.

Top 5 types of people I’d like to feed to the dragons:

  1. InstaGram “models”
  2. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell
  3. Those people who dress up as a “Native American” or “Mexican” for Halloween and don’t see the problem with it
  4. People who do see the problem with ↑↑↑ and feel the self-righteous to let everyone know it
  5. Me, I guess, seeing as I just contradicted myself

Back to GOT. Last nights episode spent a lot of time up North, either at The Wall or Winterfell, and I’d probably complain if the scenes at these locations weren’t so damn good. There was both some great family drama and philosophical debate taking place. Let’s start in Winterfell.

hodorIt should come as a surprise to nobody that Ramsay Bolton likes being bitten and is in to weird sex stuff. His browser history is probably horrifying. I mean, we’re talking about a guy who castrated Theon Greyjoy and then slowly ate a succulent sausage right in front of him. The strange thing is that this makes him only the second most sexually grotesque person Sansa has been set to marry. But Ramsay got a bit of bad news this week when his father informed him that another Bolton is on the way and it’s likely a boy. That little smirk Sansa gave when this was announced was brilliant. Somewhere, probably on a boat, Littlefinger is so proud.

I was actually a bit surprised that Sansa wasn’t colder to Theon given the fact that, as far as she knows, he butchered her brothers. I doubt I’m the only who expects them to “team up”, in a sense, to take down Ramsay (probably once Winterfell is attacked). But before that happens, doesn’t Theon/Reek have to tell her that he didn’t kill those two annoying little shits absent from this season who shall not be named?

Stannis Baratheon is coming to take Winterfell, and he’s bringing an army, as well as his family, with him. Last nights episode served as the calm before the storm in regards to this storyline and, knowing the trends of GOT, I expect to see none of Stannis next week……and then a gigantic battle the week after that. Every week, we learn something new about Stannis. Last week it was that he is the one who really loves his daughter and fought for her to stay alive. This week, we learned that he’s a bit of grammar Nazi, correcting one of the sworn brother’s on the classic “less” vs “fewer” mistake. Nobody likes a grammar Nazi.

It appears as if Jon Snow is heading beyond the wall with Tormund (bearded wilding) to try and convince the free folk to come South for the winter. Winter is coming, the writers have told us again. We’ll see. I’m starting to feel like “Winter” should actually be called Detox.

poop

A common ploy this episode, and one some of us (cough cough) have been calling for, was the young leaders in Westeros not mimicking their advisors when they have a tough decision to make. I’m talking about Jon and Daenerys, of course. We actually got two conversations dedicated to advisors basically telling the young leaders, “Do you, homie”. Maester Aemon told Jon to kill the boy inside him, hence the title of the episode. And Daenerys got lectured on the same thing by Missandei (who’s still the biggest waste of screen time on this show, by the way. WHO CARES about her romance with Grey Worm? It’s cute, sure, but it means nothing to the show). This lead to Jon freeing Tormund, while Daenerys chose to re-open the fighting pits and MARRY THE GUY WHO’S BEEN BOTHERING HER ALL SEASON (his name is Hizadr zo Loraq, not that it matters to you people. It’s disgusting the way men are only seen as sex objects and potentials spouses on GOT).

While it makes sense as a political move, I wonder how Daario Naharis, a very interesting character who has all but been written off the show this season, thinks of this.

Elsewhere, Jorah and Tyrion take their boat through the ruined city of Valyria. It was nice to get a little historical background on the city, seeing as we know it’s very important to Westerosi mythology but still aren’t really sure why. The ruins were quite beautiful and the smoke on the water was calming, that is until the freakin’ stone people attacked (the stone people are those driven mad by Greyscale, the disease we keep hearing about). In an attempt to evade them, Tyrion jumps overboard. This may have been wise if his hands weren’t tied, as he sinks rather quickly. Jorah fights them off and saves Tyrion, but not without the episode’s dramatic cliffhanger showing up…….Jorah got touched by one of the stone people. So apparently he’s going to turn into a stone zombie or whatever.

This funny because Jorah’s character is so zombie-like and void of life anyways, AMIRITE.

l5dj3p

All in all, I thought “Kill the Boy” was a great episode, probably the best of the season, which is spectacular given that it spent no time in King’s Landing or Braavos. We got some fun action sequences, serious plot development, and pivotal moments for the progression of Jon and his half-sister Daenerys as leaders.

Final Verdict: The best episode of the season thus far, “Kill the Boy” helped set up an impending battle and gave Daenerys something to do for the first time in like three years.

Five Quick Tidbits:

  1. Next week’s episode is titled “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” and was handled by the same writer/director duo as this one (Bryan Cogman/Jeremy Podeswa).
  2. Roose and Ramsay have an interesting dynamic. Bolton Sr. surely knows how weird his son is but he seems to put up with it.
  3. Somebody get Tyrion some wine  ASAP.
  4. Sam is doing serious research on the White Walker’s. It must suck to have to research something without the benefit of Wikipedia.
  5. I believe we’re being set up for some tragic deaths with the episode emphasizing Stannis’ decision to bring his daughter and wife on the road to Winterfell with him.

Until next time, Valar morghulis (which I’ve realized is basically Valyrian for YOLO).

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