50 Shades of Drake

shoutout Spinner Mason, shoutout Degrassi Junior High.

If you’re a hip-hop head you probably don’t need me to tell you that Aubrey Graham –aka Jimmy Brooks aka Drake aka The Human Tissue Box aka The Dude who called Netflix and complained that New Moon was having buffering issues– dropped a surprise mixtape/album/project last night. The joint, which can be purchased on Itunes or downloaded literally anywhere for free is called If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, which is kind of a whack title considering I read that like five minutes after he dropped it and I was not, in fact, “too late”. The usual social medias have exploded. I haven’t seen anything like this since Yeezus. On the project, Aubrey shows all of his personalities over some pretty hot production. I’m going to get into the actual music and Aubrey’s multiple personalities but I want to make a few points first.

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  • I clown on Drake because he’s easy to clown on but I want to make it clear that I do enjoy his music. Ever since he stopped trying to be the Robin to Wayne’s Batman and dropped Take Care, dude has done nothing but release solid music. He’s created his own sound and started his own crew that rivals any other posse in the game (save maybe G.O.O.D. and TDE). I’m a Drake fan.
  • Aye that “Control” song where Kendrick basically challenged every young cat in the game to pull up their panties and make rap competitive again obviously has had a major impact that can still be seen. Some of the names he called out (Drake, J. Cole, Big K.R.I.T.) have bought into that competitive spirit and put out some of their best shit. Some of the names he called out (A$AP Rocky, Jay Electronica) have been missing in action but it’s chill because I’m not convinced that Jay Electronica actually exists. Some of the names he called out (Big Sean, Meek Mill) seem to be more concerned with becoming InstaGram celebrities than anything else. Real talk, Big Sean is cornier than a Meg Ryan movie. He gets the three of the hottest producers in the game (Kanye, DJ Dahi, DJ Mustard) to collaborate on a track for him and all he does is say “I don’t give a fuck, I don’t-I don’t give a fuck” for four minutes. FOH.
  • 2015 is already a better year in rap than 2014. We got this solid project from Drake, very good albums from Lupe Fiasco and Joey Bada$$, and perhaps that most savage track since the last time Kendrick got angry with Kendrick’s “The Blacker the Berry”. And we got a Kendrick album, a Kanye album, another Drake album, and some other stuff to look forward too. Despite the best efforts of Tyga & Chris Brown, 2015 looks like a big year for the genre.

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Okay so let’s talk about the many shades of Drake that emerge from If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late. First up…

Shade #1: Ignant Drake aka The Best Drake aka Toronto Raptors going to the Finals Drake

This is my favorite Drake. The Drake that says things like “This a fuck a stripper on a mink rug song”. He’s by no means taking it the extent of someone like ScHoolboy Q and spitting bars about crackheads giving blowjobs or sticking fingers up ladies bums but Drake can still get his stunt on when he wants to. Because so many people clown him, Drake feels the need every now and then to drop some bangers where he talks about nothing more than how dope he is. Think “The Language”, “Worst Behavior”, “0 to 100”, and in this case, “Energy”. “Energy” is my favorite track off this tape on first listen. He just wilds the fuck out on this one. Some of my favorite bars…

  • “I got people talkin’ down, man, like I give a fuck / I bought this one a purse, I bought this one a truck.”

That’s some real shit. If you see a stripper walking to work with a Dolce & Gabana bag, credit Aubrey.

  • “I got bitches askin’ me about the code for the WiFi / So they can talk about they timeline / And show me pictures of they friends / Just to tell me they ain’t really friends”

Some more real shit. You ever seen a group of women talk about InstaGram photos or whatever. They scroll for days and double-tap everything then just tell each other about how much that hate that girl. Fellas do this too, so it’s kind of wash.

Also, what do you think Drake’s WiFi password is? Gotta have something to do with Mama Mia or Ellen Degeneres, right?

  • “I got strippers in my life, but they virgins to me”

Bold ass claim coming from the dude who once said “Tears all in your pillowcase” on a track with Rihanna. Also, you may have heard the story about how some girl said that Drake tried to toss her salad like his name Romaine. Idk if it’s true but check it out.

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  • “I might go DeMarcus Cousins out in public”

This line is from “6 Man” but I had to include it here. It’s so fucking savage. Rap needs more Boogie references.

  • “Boutta call your ass an Uber, I got somewhere to be”

This is dope. Imagine some girl who’s at Drake’s crib, thinking after they’re done slow-dancing or playing “Never Have I Ever” that she’s gonna get a ride home in a limo or some shit. Next thing she knows, there’s some college kid with a ratstache and a beat up early 2000s Audi his dad bought him in the driveway.

That’s ignant Drake in a nutshell for you. On to the next Drake…

Shade 2: “I read the new Nicholas Sparks novel in one sitting” Drake aka “You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice” Drake aka Heartbreak Drake

Gotta give the boy props. Girls love him despite the fact that he raps about strippers just as much as 2 Chainz. This is the Drake whose larynx serves as a natural aphrodisiac for teenage girls who are upset that the boys in their school think Robert Pattinson is a dweeb. This is the Drake who wants you to know he still loves mom dukes despite her issues and the Drake that just wants to cuddle up next to you sharing one spoon for some yogurt while watching Dawson’s Creek reruns. This is the Drake who feels bad about not texting you back so he leaves you a six-minute voicemail apologizing for all his wrongdoings and telling you you’re the only one that matters.

Think “Best I Ever Had”, “Take Care”, “Doing it Wrong”, and on this project, “Company” and “You & the 6”. Some bars…

  • “I need a girl who gon’ love me / I need a girl who gon’ trust me / Someone to fuck me / Someone to make me feel lucky”

That’s some heavy shit. Heartbreak Drake has made millions off of saying the shit all fellas wanna say but can’t because their friends will call them “pussy”.

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  • “I don’t deserve her at all, no not all / I only text her, man, I never call”

I would pay nine million dollars that I don’t have to read Heartbreak Drake’s phone records from the last year.

  • “Having conversations with mama, man my life is a mess / Ain’t been returning the texts, so she been reading the press”

Ayo somebody needs to teach Heartbreak Drake cellphone etiquette.

  • “There’s always someone better, like that girl from the gym who trains you / I know you wanna arrange it, you told me she’s free Thursday / And I’m sure she’s an angel but she don’t want this life, the timing ain’t right”

 

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Shade 3: “You bullied me but now I’m laughing” Drake aka “The tribulations made me the man I am today” Drake aka Jimmy Brooks

Jimmy Brooks loves to let us now about how his struggles, like making 50K a year as teenager, made him the badass he is today. This is the Drake who got his pants pulled down by another kid in the locker room and was depressed for a month but years later sent him an Edible Arrangement saying “Who’s depressed now?”. Shoutout wheelchair Jimmy. Jimmy Brooks likes to stunt like Ignant Drake but he’s more bitter about it. This is the drake that comes out when other rappers diss him. Think “Lord Knows”, second-half of “Tuscan Leather”, and on this project, “6 PM in New York”. Some BARS…

  • “Every shot they take at me? They all contested / Allen Iverson shoe deal, these niggas all in question”

This is FIRE. Back when AI was the king he had a shoe deal with Reebok (Reebok?) and his shoes were called the Questions. His nickname was also The Answer of course, so another solid hoops reference and personal defense from Jimmy here.

  • “I heard a lil homie talkin’ reckless in Vibe / Quite a platform you chose, shoulda kept it inside / Oh you tried, it’s so childish callin’ my name on the worlds stage / You need to act your age and not you girls age”

BODIED. Brief Story behind this one: Tyga, aka that scrawny ass bullshitter with all the tats, called Drake a “fake” in a recent Vibe interview. Tyga (25) is also dating Kylie Jenner who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD.

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  • “I know rappers that call papparazzi to come and get ’em / To show they outfits off, guess they need the attention / I remember when it used to be the music that did it / But then again times have changed man, who are we kiddin?”

Truuuuuuu.

  • “Bitter women I’m overtextin’ PMSing crazy this year / Fuckin’ with my image / I’ve been tryna reach to you so I can save ’em this year”

Even Jimmy still tries to save the ladies, which leads me to the final Shade of Drake…

Shade #4: Stripper Savior Drake aka Rap Game Dr. Phil aka “Did he hurt you?” Drake aka Aubrey Graham

Similar to Heartbreak Drake but a little more angry, Aubrey Graham is probably the closest thing to the real Drake. You know how Spider-Man and Superman and those guys have the ability to sense when someone needs saving? Our boy Aubrey’s got that too. Dude has a bluetooth piece in his ear that rings every time some dude cheats on his girl. I mean, Aubrey actually said “Just throw up while I hold your hair back”. Examples: “Marvin’s Room”, “The Real Her”, “From Time”, and on this project, “Madonna” and “Jungle”. Ba-ba-bars…

  • “I saw potential in you from the go, you know that I did”

You might look at a promiscuous girl as a shady individual but Aubrey sees a big bright shining star.

  • “She said you’re my everything / I love you through everything”

Aubrey forgives you for your faults, because he has his too.

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  • “These days these new girls got me nervous / They got to school and do bottle service / They can’t decide, they keep switchin’ majors / Being indecisive make me anxious.”

BOOM. There it is. If this rap thing doesn’t work out Drake has a career as an academic advisor. He’s taking saving ladies to a whole new level. How I imagine this might go…

Drake: So you’re still undeclared, boo?

Female Student: Yeah, my parents really want me to do pre-law, but I’m unsure.

Drake: Listen to yourself, girl, or nobody will. Do what feels right. Don’t let any haters tell you you’re not beautiful and intelligent.

Female Student: I really want to help people.

Drake: We have that in common. Teaching, perhaps?

Female Student: No, I’m not good with kids.

Drake: That’s okay, just be yourself. Not everyone woman needs to be pressured into being a mother.

Female Student: Ummm…what?

Drake: How about Social Work?

Female: OMG! That totes sounds perfect. Thank you Mr. Graham.

*Drake reaches his hand across the desk, touching hers*

Drake: Please, call me Aubrey.

So there you have it, the many shades of Drake. At any moment the man can be Ignant Drake, Heartbreak Drake, Jimmy Brooks, or Aubrey Graham. He’s often multiple people at the same time.

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Peace!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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