6 BOLD Super Bowl XLIX Predictions

Reminder: please don’t take me seriously.

Fun Fact: If every person who watches the Super Bowl could donate just $1 we’d be able to discover a vaccine for whatever disease Magic Johnson’s son’s stylist has.

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I’m not homophobic or anything like that but two things I am “phobic” about are man-purses and leopard print. Magic Johnson played basketball I think, so that makes him a perfect segway into my first point:

BALLS.

Whether through talk of the New England Patriots possibility deflating balls or Marshawn Lynch grabbing his, I heard the word “balls” quite often this week. “Balls” is undeniably a funny word, but even a word that awesome gets old and doesn’t seem cool anymore once Mark Brunell starts saying it. Before I get into the my BOLD Super Bowl predictions I wanted to let loose my thoughts on the two most important issues facing American society today: DeflateGate and Marshawn Lynch grabbing his balls.

36a65iThe latest update from “DeflateGate”, a term I hate because it’s honestly disrespectful to the great Richard M. Nixon, is that the NFL has acquired video surveillance of a Patriots ballboy carrying a bunch of footballs into a restroom at Gillette Stadium and coming back out 90 seconds later. This is a huge development in the investigation; when has anything involving video and the NFL ever gone wrong before? Doesn’t the NFL need indisputable video evidence to prove anything?

Anyways, DeflateGate is an insignificant story at this point. It’s a bunch of hoopla pushed by the mainstream media to make the Patriots look bad. Now might be a good time to bring up the fact that the Patriots have a white QB, a white coach, a mostly white fanbase, and even multiple WHITE RECEIVERS. I hate to play the race card but, as we’ve seen with Johnny Manziel and Tim Tebow and Dick Cheney, the media does everything it can to bring successful white guys down. What other reason can you think of for Kevin Costner not winning Best Actor every single year?

Marshawn Lynch has become well-known for two things; not answering questions and grabbing his balls. That automatically makes him one of the greatest living Americans. When he breaks off big runs and has a clear path to the endzone, he likes to jump in the air and grab his junk, even though he knows he’s going to get fined.

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My ancestors did not move to this country after other people fought for its freedom to have communist organizations like the NFL tell people what they can and can’t do. The NFL recently announced that if Lynch does this in the Super Bowl his team will get a 15-yard penalty.

In all seriousness, this is pretty laughable. This is a league with multiple wife-beaters currently cashing in million dollar checks and a serious prescription painkiller problem, but we’re worried about this giving off a bad image? I also have to bring the race card up again even though I don’t like to. If a white guy like one of the Jonas Bros. grabs their balls it’s considered “modeling”, not an “obscene gesture” like when Marshawn or Chris Brown does it.

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But that’s all I have to say about that. Here are my 6 BOLD predictions for this years Super Bowl.

1. After opening kickoff, we won’t hear any more about “DeflateGate” or other NFL controversies.

As the NFL has proven on 10 million occasions, if the product on the field is entertaining, we’ll all happily forget about everything. Even if the guys calling the game (Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth) have anything to say about the issue I expect them to forget about it once the game clock starts rolling. The focus should be on the game seeing as it’s the rare matchup where the two best teams all year actually get to face off for the big one.

2. We’ll have a brand-new, extra-long, super-emotional commercial sponsored by the NFL to raise awareness regarding domestic violence.

You know the ones I mean. It’s embarrassing that it took a leaked elevator video to get the NFL to publicly address or even acknowledge its long-running issue with domestic violence. Yes, I’m still talking about it. And how did they address it? By getting a bunch of celebrities to stand in front of the camera and pretend to cry while not saying anything? I fully support the Joyful Heart Foundation, I don’t support the NFL’s use of the organization to save face.

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C’MON MAN.

3. Kendrick Lamar announces the title and release date of his new album via a Beats by Dre commercial. 

Regular promotion is boring in rap nowadays. Why not take a play out of Hov’s book? Just do it on a bigger scale. Beats/Apple obviously has the money ($4.5 million for 30 seconds this year) and being an Aftermath artist, I can’t think of a better way for Kendrick to announce what is one of the years most-anticipated music release. “i” charted very well and the album is supposedly finished. Get Richard Sherman listening to it in his headphones while railing adderal lifting weights to build buzz.

4. Katy Perry does a good job with the halftime show.

Katy Perry’s music isn’t my personal taste, but I’d much rather have a current pop star do the halftime show than a bunch of guys whose primes ended three decades ago and seem like they’re going to pass out on stage. The Super Bowl should be a celebration of American culture at any given point in time, everything from the halftime show to the commercials. The performer should be someone current.

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Other option: just get Beyonce or Prince to do it every year.

At the very least, I expect Perry’s performance to be extravagant. She’s already announced she’s bringing out Lenny Kravitz which could get tricky considering he also secretly plays QB for the Seahawks.

5. NFL/NBC pull in at least $100 million overall from alcohol (Bud Light) ad revenue.

Josh Gordon, who got a DUI awhile back and was deep in the NFL substance-abuse program, is facing yet another year-long suspension because he failed yet another drug test, this time testing positive for ALCOHOL. I’m not denying that Josh Gordon has clearly made some questionable choices, but the NFL suspending repeat offenders for drinking now? WHAT.

How many thousands of people drive home drunk from NFL games on Sundays after tailgating and buying more beer from the stadiums?

How much does the NFL make from Anheuser-Busch every year?

How many more NFL players are going to be questionably subscribed painkillers before people pretend to care?

Also, if you’re surprised by anything involving Josh Gordon, I don’t know where you’ve been. The guy literally got weed plants tatted onto his back AFTER he was in the NFL.

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6. Prediction for the actual game:

The Patriots are the toughest team in the NFL to scout because their gameplan varies more week-to-week based on their opponent than any other team in the NFL. Nobody outside that locker room really has any clue what they plan on emphasizing, and they also make more dramatic halftime adjustments than any team in the league. One thing we can expect is for them to stack the box pretty heavy, probably bringing Patrick Chung up on early downs, in an attempt to stop Marshawn Lynch.

Lynch is the best pure runner in the NFL but I think he may be in for an underwhelming game given the Pats ability to stop the run. Jermaine Kearse and Doug Baldwin aren’t going to scare anyone out wide, so the Pats can play them straight up with Revis and Browner, which will allow the safeties to focus on Lynch. Kearse has the ability to get deep though, and we’ve seen the Pats secondary give up some big plays this year. But assuming Browner is with him most of the game, I expect Kearse’s impact to be minimal.

Then again, the Seahawks lines does a nice job getting the initial push (only Philly’s line had a better power rank, via Football Outsiders) which is often all Lynch needs to get downhill momentum. Jaime Collins and Dont’a Hightower, two of the NFL’s best LB’s, will need to play flawlessly. Collins will be extra-important as he is likely to be the spy on Russell Wilson when the Pats go that route.

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The Seahawks are just an average pass-rushing team, Michael Bennett being their only major threat, while the Pats continue to be one of the better pass protecting teams in the NFL. Luckily for Seattle, they have a good secondary (in case you didn’t know) and very good coverage linebackers, which allows them to dominate despite this. Their defense is just fast and closes so well. New England is going to have to run the ball effectively early to bring Kam Chancellor up a bit, which should allow for Rob Gronkowski to make plays over the middle (you can’t cover Gronk with one guy in man coverage, you just can’t). Julian Edelman has shown the ability to make plays out wide and in the slot. He also does a great job in motion. This will allow the Pats to get creative with him despite the obvious mismatch in favor of Seattle’s corners.

I think this game is going to be VERY close. Ultimately, I just see more dimensions to New England’s offense than Seattle’s, and that’s going to be the difference. The power run and quick-hit passing game the Pats thrive at should help neutralize some of the speed on Seattle’s defense. Gronk is the only offensive player in this game who is truly matchup-proof, so in a contest where I don’t expect many big plays, a couple of 20 yard gains from him over the middle could be the difference.

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All the Patriots need to do is contain Marshawn Lynch and spy Wilson with Collins because, frankly, it’s going to be nearly impossible for Seattle’s WR’s to win their one-on-one matchups. Russell Wilson doesn’t throw guys open the way other great QB’s do, so he could potentially struggle.

I have the Pats pulling away late in a classic game.

Patriots 24, Seahawks 20

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